Painful memories
by chachakid
Summary: After 18 years, Jules must finally confront her past and accept the mistake that she made.
1. Chapter 1

**This is just a small fan fic about Jules. I don't expect it to be longer than 2 or 3 chapters. Enjoy  


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It had been a long day at the SRU and team one were counting down the minutes until their shift was up.

It was exactly 2 weeks and 3 days since Jules and Sam had officially broken up; not that either of them were counting. She had opened her heart to him. Never had she let someone in like that before. She liked to think that she told him everything; however, there were secrets that she dared not to tell anybody. Speaking about the past mistakes in her life would be a painful reminder and would force her to accept the fact that they had happened.

As everybody said their goodbyes, Jules made her way to her jeep in the parking lot. It was a cold December evening and the only light evident was that of the dim street lights surrounding the parking lot.

She reached her car and turned her head to look around the car park, nobody. It was so tranquil. That was one of the better parts of working the late shift. Everything seemed to be so peaceful afterwards. That was until a dark shadow appeared from behind her jeep.

This would usually be the time where her training would kick in. She would usually tighten her grip on her gun before questioning the man's intentions but this wasn't just any man.

He was about the same age as Jules, very skinny and slightly shabby. He looked like he needed a good bath and a shave with that. Whilst most of his body was covered with long pants and a warm jacket, the tattoos covering his neck were still noticeable.

She was frozen on the spot. She could not move and could not scream.

"What's wrong Jay? You look like you've seen ghost" The young man laughed as he took a step closer to her.

Sarge, Ed, Wordy and Sam made their way out of the SRU just in time to see Jules pinned up against the side of the Jeep staring down into the eyes of the young man. Though it was quite dark, the look of absolute fear and terror seemed to be illuminating off her skin. The four men paused for a moment, they too seemed to stand in silence. This was a look they had never seen on Jules' face before.

The man lifted his hand and ran his fingers down the side of Jules' cheek. She turned her face to the side where she could now see her four team mates standing in the distance. She grabbed his hand and threw it away from her and made an attempt to open her car door however, the man slammed his hand on the door making it obvious that he did not want her to leave.

This was all they needed, her four team mates raced towards Jules' jeep where Ed pulled out his gun and ordered him to step away from the car.

"Ed please" Jules begged, she put her hand on top of his and lowered the gun down.

"It's been almost 18 years Jay and this is the reception I get?" The man spoke in a snide tone.

"Leave Derek" Jules insisted before attempting to enter her car again.

"18 years locked up in a jail waiting for this moment Jay, come on, I just wanna talk, where's the harm in that?" Derek seemed pretty relaxed for an ex convict surround by five police officers.

"You know, I wasn't surprised you didn't come and visit me, but I think you know why I'm here"

Jules looked over at the four men.

"It's fine really, I can handle this" She motioned for them to leave however none of them moved. This guy meant trouble, he had it written all over his face. Right down to his little smirk.

"Derek, what do you want? Money?" Her voice now more annoyed than anything.

Derek smashed his fist up against her car before his face was engulfed by a sense of a rage.

"You know damn well why I'm here!" He yelled while reaching into his back pocket. Now Ed, Wordy and Sam had all pulled out their weapons aiming directly at Derek's head.

"Relax, relax. It's just a photo of Jay" He pulled out the small photograph and handed it to Jules.

She looked down at the piece of paper which was soon blurred by the tears filling up her eyes.

"Where…Where did you uh get this?" Jules hesitated, obviously overcome with an array of emotions. Sadness, grief, shock…just to name a few.

Derek snatched the photo out of her hands before handing it to Sam.

Sam looked at the photograph before he too was overwhelmed with emotion. His, however, we quite different to Jules'. Anger, guilt and confusion.

The photo was of a young Jules, she barely looked 18. She was in a hospital gown sitting up in a hospital bed. Her arms were covered by that of a new born baby wrapped in a pink blanket.

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**Anythings possible in the world of fan fiction and i lurve it!**

**review : )  
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	2. Chapter 2

It felt like a bad dream. Every single set of eyes was on her.

"I go away to jail and I have to find out off my best friend that _**my**_ girlfriend gave birth to _**my **_child?"

"Derek…" Jules begged, but begged for what?

_Derek what? What do I say?_

"What did you name her?" Derek asked

She paused for a moment.

_Why should I tell him? Why shouldn't I?_

"Keely" Jules spoke softly almost in a whisper.

Greg took a step back and the other three followed suit.

"Please, I just want to see her, maybe we can work something out?"

"I was a scared pregnant 17 year old girl, all alone after my boyfriend got arrested for second degree murder, what makes you think I didn't put her up for adoption?" Jules was getting angry. These weren't just painful memories, they were excruciating.

"Because I know you better then anybody else. You would never let some stranger raise our child"

There was that word; our. It sent chills down her spine.

"Fine" Jules said

"Fine?" Derek's faced looked just as confused as Greg's or Sam's.

She finally opened her car door without a fight from Derek.

"Are you coming?" Jules insisted.

Greg reached out and put his hand on Jules' shoulder.

"Jules?" Greg didn't like to pry but Jules was like a daughter to him. He needed to be sure that she would be ok.

"Don't worry, I'll be here 7am sharp" She was confident. Back to her old self.

Her and Derek jumped in the car and drove away.

Greg looked over at Sam.

"I'm guessing you didn't know about this?"

"We dated for 6 months and she never mentioned a word of it" Sam picked up his bag and walked off to his bike.

******

"So, you're a cop now eh?" Derek tried to make small talk; he wasn't very good at it.

"Almost 11 years now"

"So you umm seeing anyone?"

Jules took her eyes of the road for a quick second to look at Derek.

"And if I was?"

"You wouldn't be doing this" Derek, whilst being unbelievably cocky, was also very smart.

The car went silent.

Jules came to the end of a long street and watched as Derek tilted his head in confusion.

"Why are we at a church Jay?"

Jules leaned over and pulled out a flash light before pointing towards the children's cemetery.

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**Sorry to have to stop it there but i'll try and have the next (maybe last) chapter up within the next few days. Maybe i should work on "Addiction" too : )**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for your awesome reviews. I might end up making this one a little longer than i originally intended to : )

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There were moments in life where the silence in the air seemed to say it all. This was one of those moments.

For the first time, Derek had nothing to say.

"Jay…" Derek started

But he didn't know how to finish.

"I haven't been here in over 15 years." Jules whispered but she would not allow herself to cry.

_I spent all those years crying over this asshole. I swore I would never let it happen again. I will not cry. He doesn't deserve to see my weakness._

Derek reached his hand across and placed it on Jules' thigh.

She froze. Was she uncomfortable? She didn't know. All she knew was that those precious teen years spent with the love her life started flooding back to her. Every emotion they had ever gone through together was engulfing every inch of her body.

_Why does he do this to me?_

She turned to him and looked directly in his eyes.

"You ready?" She asked not even knowing if she was ready herself.

Derek simply nodded and followed Jules to the cemetery.

Jules walked like a woman on a mission. It had been over 15 years since she was last here but she knew the place like the back of her hand.

She stopped in front of a small grave stone with a baby sized pearl white coffin.

The headstone read:

_Keely May Callaghan_

_19__th__ September 1991 – 16__th__ October 1991_

_Lost for now but loved forever_

They both seemed to stand there for a while. Jules reminiscing over the hours spent in front of the grave whilst Derek regretting ever pulling the trigger that put him in jail forcing him to never see his child.

"How…How did it happen?" The question had to be asked eventually and now was a good as time as ever.

"SIDS" She spoke softly. {Sudden Infant Death Syndrome}

"I remember sitting in the rocking chair while singing to her before she fell asleep in my arms. I put her into her crib and she never woke up"

_I will not cry._

"4 weeks…" But that was all she could say before the tears rolled down her cheeks. The grave yard was so quiet that they could almost hear the tears hit the ground.

She wiped her face with her palm before looking over at Derek who also had started to cry.

"That's all I got Derek. What did I do wrong?"

He reached his hand out and held tightly onto Jules' before wrapping her into a warm hug and watching her let out every single bottled-up emotion she had inside of her.

"I should've been there. I'm sorry" Derek said while letting go of Jules to look her in the eyes.

"I'm sorry" He repeated.

She put her head down whilst wiping away the tears on her face.

"My 4 week old baby died after my boyfriend killed a man and got locked up in jail for 18 years. That's not something you get over very easily. It's taken me many years to get to this point."

Derek knew exactly where she was going with this.

"I just wanted to see her…and you" He smiled while holding onto her hand.

"And now I have, you won't have to hear from me ever again"

_That's a good thing right? That's what I want?_

But what did she want?

She wanted someone to be there. Someone to hold. Someone who knew her. Someone to love. Someone to love her back.

Derek was all of those things and more.

All those years contemplating what could've been had she stayed with Derek swirled back into her head.

_No. I will not let him to this to me. Not now._

"That's what you wanted isn't it?" Derek was puzzled by the look of confusion on Jules' face. She didn't want him back did she?

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**I guess that counts as a cliffhanger. Whoops, sorry about that.**

**review!  
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	4. Chapter 4

She gazed into Derek's eyes and for a few brief seconds she wanted to be with him but as she looked further she knew that he was not the same Derek she had fallen in love with as a teen. He was a criminal and he had completely shattered her heart.

"That's what you wanted isn't it?"

She nodded. She didn't need any heart ache or confusion in her life right now. Sam had already made enough of that.

Derek turned around and headed for the car and Jules soon followed.

"Where are you staying?" Jules asked Derek in a very concerned motherly tone. She didn't want him to think there was any chance that he was staying with her.

"At a halfway house on Alexander street"

Though the two hadn't seen each other in over 18 years, it was clear that neither of them had anything to say to each other. In the car, their silence was covered by that of the radio.

As Jules pulled up to the halfway house Derek looked over at Jules. Before she could react or stop him, he grabbed her head and locked her in a passionate kiss. She didn't fight back.

"Goodbye Jay, you know where to find me" And with that, he hopped out of the car and walked into the halfway house without looking back.

Jules didn't know whether to scream or cry. Derek was the master of screwing with Jules' feelings so much, she didn't even know what she was feeling. The best thing to do right now would be to drive and she did.

When she reached her house she reached into her bag to pull out her mobile. 8 missed calls from Greg.

As she reached the front door, she received a text message from Greg.

_**Just message me to let me know your ok; we'll talk in the morning. Greg.**_

She smiled.

_It's nice to know someone is looking out for me._

_*****_

It's safe to say that Jules didn't sleep well that night. In fact, most of the night was spent on the floor leaning up against her bed with her knees tucked to her chest, crying. She never forgot about Keely but she just didn't think about her anymore and when the time came for her to think about Keely again, she knew it was going to difficult.

Jules made her way out of her locker room and headed towards the briefing room where she could see Greg was on his own.

Part of her yelled out to go the other direction but before she could make up her mind Greg had already looked up and noticed she was there.

"Hey" Sarge said

She cleared her throat a little before placing a smile on her face.

"Hey Sarge"

Greg took another look at her before it became obvious that she had been crying.

"Jules, is everything ok?"

"Yeah…yeah just a weird day" She tried to reassure him. But no matter how hard she tried, Greg was always going to be the worried father type.

"You wanna talk about it?"

She coughed a little again and turned to look at the rest of the team heading into their locker room.

"There isn't much to tell really" She looked down before looking up at Sarge and smiling.

"If you say so, I'm always here if you need to talk"

She nodded and headed over to the men's locker room. She sneaked past Ed, Wordy, Lou and Spike and headed around the corner straight for Sam's locker.

_What do I say to him? 6 months together and I never even mentioned Derek let alone the tiny little fact that I had a kid with him!_

She looked up at Sam. He leaned up against his locker waiting for Jules to speak but she couldn't. Instead words were replaced by tears.

"Jules…" He opened his arms as she leaned into his chest sobbing heavily.

Sam grabbed onto her shoulders and bent down to her height.

"Jules, did he hurt you?"

Their meeting was quickly interrupted by the rest of Team One who were just as worried as Sam.

She shook her head before wiping away the tears.

They both looked at the rest of the team hinting for them to give the two some alone time.

As the rest of the guys left the locker room Jules turned to look around at Sam.

"I'm sorry…" Her soft voice from crying had disappeared and the strong Jules was back.

"I'm sorry I never told you about Derek. I'm sorry I never told you about the baby…"

"Jules…" He tried to stop her but there was no use.

"I'm sorry the first time I said I love you was when I broke up with you…"

"Jules stop" He wiped a tear from her face.

"It's okay" He added while wrapping his arms around her.

It was at this moment that Jules realised, her heart belonged to Sam. This was where she belonged.

"I love you Sam"

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**The end.**

**Hope you enjoyed  
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